Beyond Knitting
Self-care: Holidays Without Emergency
I know what let’s do! Let’s not rehash all the myriad ways holidays can go off the rails, shall we? That’s usually how this end-of-year holiday extravaganza piece starts—with a catalog of disasters. Whether humorous or not, this negativity bias—a very human thing and a very internet thing—can’t help but reinforce itself. Plus, you already know what yours are.
Instead, let me give you a couple of instant peacefulness techniques for holiday-related emotional overwhelm. (It happens, even in the chillest of families.) These techniques are easy, quick, and pretty discreet, so you don’t have to go running through the woods before you can use them.
First, the meta-technique.
The golden key: No judgment.
The first thing to do when an uncomfortable emotion arises is remind yourself of what Fritz Perls said: “Anybody has the right to feel any way at any time for any reason.”
Part of you always knows this. Another part needs frequent reminders. You can tell yourself some other soothing things. Ayelet Waldman taught me to say, “You poor thing! You are freaking the hell out right now! But you’re okay because I’m with you.”
Or try, “This emotion is going to pass so soon! Let’s give it a space, and leave the door open for it to go on out when it’s ready.”
And my current favorite: “I’m human! Having a human experience! I bet manatees don’t get to experience murderous fury! [Just kidding; of course they do.] Let me just accommodate what’s happening and get more evidence that I’m a survivor and I can even survive my own sympathetic energy surge.”
I guarantee any acceptance you can offer will add a measure of calm. AND you may not always want to be calmed. This is good to know: We aren’t always helped by calming techniques, because sometimes what we need is the opposite of calm. Maybe the feeling has to amp up before it can fade away.
Say you find yourself wandering the Museum of Slights and Insults. Don’t lose any time telling yourself why you should not feel resentful, or whatever. (Later, you could look more deeply into what was happening.) Tell yourself this: The way I feel is a right way to feel. And before doing something I will regret, possibly for the next several lifetimes, I’ll do a little stomp dance. Dr. Spotify can help out with the right medicine.
You may not always want a technique.
Emotion is raw power, and you can encounter it that way. I just mean witnessing without managing. This won’t make you a better person or a more special person, but you might enjoy the experience, and it’s always an option.
Finally, these reminders are not just for the holidays. They are useful in all manner of recurring “emergencies” such as dinner party, budget discussion, Sunday lunch, laundromat visits, the last days before payday, etc.
As always, I want to hear about your favorite techniques! Tell us in the comments below, and we’ll all be better prepared for the holidays. May yours be splendid!
Resources
- Melissa Tiers’s calming techniques. (Faster EFT is in the last couple minutes; bilateral
stimulation in the middle; Time stamps in video notes.) - Sukie Baxter’s polyvagal calming technique.
- In Case of Self-care Emergency: Don’t Break Glass.
Image credit: Krishna Celebrates Holi, c. 1770. The Cleveland Museum of Art. Used
with permission.
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Light Watkins offered the challenge to not complain, for a day or week.
Then added to it was, Don’t explain.
My new mantra- Don’t explain, don’t complain.
Aggravation gets diverted, life seems calmer.
I can simply be.
A great contemporary take on the words of the ancient philosophers! Another resource: Ryan Holiday’s website, The Daily Stoic.
That vague nerve exercise is great! Thanks!
So my new foible is mis-reading: I read “Let’s not rehash all the myriad ways” as Let’s not RELISH all the myriad ways…” but hey there are some good stories…
lol Love it.
We found out last November that the promotion my husband was offered required us to move out of state, leaving behind the community where we had lived for 28 years. We began with so many questions, so many unknowns. As we sorted through house hunting, selling our home, leaving my job, moving, getting to know our new neighbors and city, and finding and starting a new job, my mantra became, “That is not a problem we need to solve today.” I only dealt with the immediate. I look at all the things I said that about: where to board our pets during the move, how to find a new dentist, getting a new driver’s license. And one by one, over the past year, every problem was solved. I now use that line every time I start to feel overwhelmed.
Beautiful! Handling the highest priority items first.
I follow what Mel Robbins says, “Count backwards from 5 to zero and say to yourself, and maybe things will turn out okay!” Stops my anguish dead in its tracks!
Brilliant!
Thank you!
My DH was diagnosed Early Onset Alzheimer’s this year. My ahah! Has been to Not make requests of his family and expect something helpful. But to accept any offers if ever made, on the spot, and committed on the spot. Don’t ask, don’t expect, don’t explain, and accept when an offer is made and commit in the moment. It is all about “yes” with joy!
Expecting is exhausting and you have no energy to waste. I love your mantra. Stay strong.
I liked the words “witness without managing”. I know it was in reference to my own strong emotional response to something, but I like it in reference to others’ behaviors and agendas. We are getting ready to have a houseful of people for a week for Christmas and if I can only “witness without managing” this collection of different personalities, it’ll all work SO MUCH BETTER!
Reminder to self: just stand back and let go of the control button!
Same! I instinctively did the same last night when my six-year-old had an absolute screaming meltdown in a crowded supermarket. Whenever I tried to talk to her and help her manage her emotions, her rage escalated. I quickly realized I just had to give her space and not engage, and she eventually calmed down.
(Seriously, though, it was bad. There was some guy in the next aisle parroting some of her repeated phrases, like “I’m so angry,” and I had a couple people come up to me ask if I was okay. And I was! I very intentionally focused on my breathing to help me stay calm and I decided I wasn’t going to be embarrassed or ashamed by something that every parent has gone through. And we all survived the experience.)
Max, thank you for that reminder to reject negativity in our daily life. The family drama that occurs each year during the Holidays can be lessened, if we can learn to accept whatever each of us is feeling. I love your pieces and I wish you the best this Holiday.
Oh my goodness, the Museum of Slights and Insults! I wish to cancel my high level major donor patron membership and return my frequent visitor card, pretty please.
I’ve had such fun thinking about what are the Winged Victory and Mona Lisa in my Museum of Slights and Insults. What are the European paintings? What is the Temple of Dendur? It’s such a perfect metaphor for the way we cherish injuries.
Perfect timing; after my experience yesterday I’m still working out the emotional reaction (my manager had my access to an important application removed cause he didn’t understand the naming convention). Thank you, Max!!
Ignore the attempted guilt trip. Let the guilter board that bus all by his or herself. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
I frequently say ‘Not my monkey, not my Circus’! I very much like the reminder that I am human and my feelings and emotions are human as well; certainly not new and not to hold onto to them. Let it go and be the sky and not the cloud drifting across!
One mantra that’s always helped me is, “You can never be wrong about how you feel.” Ergo, you’re allowed to feel it, and if you need to talk about it, you can tell people – or yourself, “X makes me feel like…” and that takes a lot of the judgment out of things.
Thank you I have enjoyed your notes. Practiced some and really like the references
Thank you
Janet
Thanksgiving was a different holiday. Luckily, I and my family were invited to sweet neighbors for dinner. I did bring two dishes. No problem there except getting my dear sister to clean up after her sweet husband who’s oblivious to crumbs and spills. I don’t mind this so much as when I’m trying to get to the refrigerator and prepare a dish on my small counter space. Having a herniated disk for 4+ months and falling repeatedly does not put me in a good mood. Nor does going up and down with manic depressive that is heightened by being in pain and not being totally independent.
my moodiness this time of year.
I’m sorry for the trauma I caused my family but being solo this Christmas is better for me. I can relax, indulge in 3 dozen cookies, eat crappy food and sit on the couch with my little dog and binge out on movies. I can think about what the holiday means, the birth of Jesus Christ, our savior. And I get to go to choir service with my lovely neighbors on Christmas Eve day!
Thanksgiving was a different holiday. Luckily, I and my family were invited to sweet neighbors for dinner. I did bring two dishes. No problem there except getting my dear sister to clean up after her sweet husband who’s oblivious to crumbs and spills. I don’t mind this so much as when I’m trying to get to the refrigerator and prepare a dish on my small counter space. Having a herniated disk for 4+ months and falling repeatedly does not put me in a good mood. Nor does going up and down with manic depression that is heightened by being in pain and not being totally independent.
I’m sorry for the trauma I caused my family but being solo this Christmas is better for me. I can relax, indulge in 3 dozen cookies, eat crappy food and sit on the couch with my little dog and binge out on movies. I can think about what the holiday means, the birth of Jesus Christ, our savior. And I get to go to choir service with my lovely neighbors on Christmas Eve day!