Beyond Knitting
Self-care: Memento vivere
Hello friends! Last month, I took the train to Brooklyn to get a new tattoo. It was a grand adventure.
We’re not here to talk about the tattoo, but I will just tell you it was a real shock. This was my third tattoo, and the first two were talismanic. This one was just because. Because I wanted something beautiful!
So I went from being a woman with two meaningful tattoos, to being an illustrated woman. I didn’t expect it to feel so different. As we sometimes ask about tattoos, What was she thinking? I don’t know. I’m still metabolizing.
My first tattoo was a simple red line around my wrist, like a Buddhist protection cord. It’s a memento of my long years as a Buddhist, which I turned my back on in my 40s.
Now I’m at an age where it feels sad to repudiate any part of my history. My life is going to be over so soon! I want to keep all of it with me.
But we’re not here to talk about that tattoo, either. The one I want to talk about is my second tattoo. It is the Roman numeral for the number 86. Which as you may know is restaurant slang for “we’ve run out” in the case of food, or “permanently ejected/canceled” in the case of people.
More important, it’s my life expectancy. Or rather, my cohort’s life expectancy. My mother lived until she was just shy of her 94th birthday, so who even knows?
When I look at my arm, I see a reminder that, all other things being equal, I am likely to be alive for at least another 20 years. I want to remember that 86-year-old woman every day, and do right by her.
Every time I make a choice, I make it for her, too. Am I taking care of my bones so that she’s not frightened just to go down a set of steps? Or I am hitting snooze thinking, ah I don’t want to work out today.
Am I eating enough protein to keep the muscle on her bones? Or is my diet a little too heavy on the pastry? Could I do more to keep her brain sharp, or will I skip Korean in favor of brunch today?
Of course, it’s not always one or the other. And no one knows what’s going to happen next. I could be dead by this afternoon, as Pema Chödron reminds us. There are no guarantees in this life–except those promises that we make and then keep.
But this is your invitation for April, if you choose to accept it: Contemplate what you are doing today that’s going to help you in ten, 20 or 30 years from now. (Perhaps it’s related to your Word of the Year?)
Consider making a promise to your older self, and please tell us about it in the comments below.
Image credit: Portrait of an Old and a Young Woman, Johns, 1780-1810, Rijksmuseum. Cropped. Used with permission.
Want a little more procrastination? The MDK homepage is a total rabbit hole.
Not skipping my colonoscopy even though I loathe the prep.
Ask for the pill! So much better than the liquid.
100% agree!
Ugh, with ya! LOATHE the prep.
My cohort life expectancy is 86- I am 76- it sharpens the mind- everything matters- I started serious strength training a month ago- tiny new biceps rise above my crepey arms-
Strength training is my new thing (14 months strong) & it’s changed my life/self-perfeption/outlook/upper arms …at least the upper part of them (lower arm flags still flying). Good for you, and stick with it!
What an inspiration! I just had my 76th birthday and my mom lived to 101.
I keep intending to start weight training but keep putting it off. Your comment may be just the extra push that I need.
I love the youtube channel “Senior Shape” for exercise. I can also see my biceps now!
This read was very timely since I recently was rushed to the hospital for a hypertensive crisis and rule out stroke. First I’m glad , except for anxiety, it was a negative work up. Next I’m terrified it will happen again. Last I’m glad I took care of my 40 year old self so my 70 year old self can take a hit like this. Take care of yourselves, please
“There are no guarantees in life except the promises that we make and then keep.” Do you you think I can stitch all that on a pillow? Absolutely brilliant
Design an “achievable” version of the project? Print the quote on fabric and then add knitted/embroidered embellishments and border?
Great idea!
What a great idea. I hope you do it. I wrote that quote in my journal in bold.
Plz do! Post the picture ☺️
Thinking; Sacred Self Care and “ecology of knitting” (has a nice ring) or rather simply remembering to take my knitting along when venturing outdoors this spring and summer to sun sit, picnic or coffee writing date with myself.
Wow, perfect timing for me to read this! I woke up on my 60th birthday just last week thinking, “what do I want to do with my last 20 or so years?” A part of my plan has always been staying active and keeping my body capable of the things I want to do. Does anyone have suggestions for keeping the mind sharp? Puzzles? Vocabulary games?
Knitting, of course. Chart reading and counting rows and stitches while making something beautiful will definitely work those brain cells.
I use BrainHQ – Brain exercises developed by an expert in neuroplasticity. Fun, only takes about 20 minutes a session, was the only brain trainer I found with actual peer reviewed efficacy studies.
No affiliation, just a satisfied customer….
Great suggestion. My husband participated in a pilot study of BrainHQ as a possible treatment for long COVID cognitive impairment. Results were promising and a larger study is underway.
My mother swore by crosswords. Her mind was sharp until her last breath at 89. When I knit, I try to memorize at least a portion of the pattern. Puzzles are also good.
Learn a language. I really love Duolingo. Bitesize pieces each day.
Agreed! I got serious about learning French 5 years ago, and joined an online group program (French Fluency Accelerator at frenchfluency.net). It led to new friendships and a job! Now in addition to continuing with French, I’m learning German (my favorite city is Vienna) and Spanish.
Learning a language builds new neural pathways, exposes you to new cultures which broadens your experience, and is just plain fun.
I think about my old woman self every day. Regular exercise (strength and cardio – need more stretching and balance), and I’m still working at almost 67 (sigh) which is good for my cognitive health. I just now did an online life expectancy calculator which came up as 98. I don’t believe it, but do plan on 92. I will need all those years to use up my stash!
I often push myself to do something only because future me is really going to appreciate it, and you know what? Future me, when I get there, always does. It is much nicer to give a little thanks for considering myself in advance than to regret not having done something yesterday, last week, last year that would have made the present more pleasant.
I promised myself that I will live to be 100 (my grandma lived to be 99 years and 9 months) so to keep that promise I have to live a healthy life.
This is timely. I lost my 93 year old dad last month – while I was at Nash Fest. The grief is overwhelming since I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. You’re writing is a reminder to take care of myself so I can still love on my family.
Condolences, Becky, to you and your family. My FIL died recently at age 100. It is hitting us all hard. Knowing he lived a good, long life and raised a great family (living to see multiple great-grandchildren) doesn’t make us miss him any less. There’s a hole that cannot be refilled.
Very timely. Thank you Max. My mom is 103 years old and has less health complaints than I do at 70. My goal is 90 or 95 but only if I am healthy. To that end I promise to increase my positivity and how often I walk in the beautiful nearby City Park.
I’m heading out to pilates class today – it’s my gift to myself. I’ve never felt more sure-footed and strong. Next up? Adding some weight lifting to get some of those tiny biceps! My next 20 years will be full of fun, laughter and love – in its’ many forms.
This was some awesome food for thought. Thanks.
I always feel like you are talking to me! Thank you for your thoughtful articles, and reminders of what’s important.
Thank you for this. I am 72 and I want to be in better shape so I will be less of a burden to my children. There are promises I need to keep.
In my 80s and retired, I am grateful for the challenges in life that forced me to get out of my comfort zone over the years. Thanks to a counselor who suggested I switch being afraid of things to being curious, I tried to never say “no” to opportunities that scared me, and retired at 74, happy with how curiosity had carried me over the rough patches.
Max, if I were to ever get a tattoo (I’m scared of needles!), it would say something along the line of “Stay Curious.” Maybe now’s the time time to invite curiosity to go with me to a tattoo parlor!
This was a great post. Really something to think about. My boyfriend died recently at 91. It was a surprise. It suddenly has made me feel older and think about how much time I might have left. I do not want to waste my life. My age in my head is very young but I must not put off doing things.
I love this reminder and picture. I am 68 and my mom lived to 87 so I feel like it is possible to have 20 years although I am acutely aware that we never know what each day brings. I exercise daily but it’s my diet I need to work with. Thanks for urging me to think of my older self. I appreciate you!
I get up every morning and have my coffee with God. I find a day started with prayer makes everything go better. And knitting, I have to knit at least every day, or some type of craft. And get get some sunshine, which I don’t get enough of.
At 82, thinking about reliving my escape to Canada in 1968. It was a wise decision then, and given the s**tshow in this country right now, may be the right thing to do to retain my sanity and physical health in whatever number of years lie ahead of me. I hate to abandon the fight here…but better to live to fight another day.
I was born before the MMR shot was made available (that was 1971). I asked my doctor whether I might need a booster shot. He tested my antibody levels, and I had no immunity to measles. I just got my second MMR shot.
I just had my blood draw for this test today, as I’m also a pre-MMR baby! If I’m not immune I will be getting the MMR immediately.
What a world!
My husband was hit with an aggressive lymphoma just 4 weeks ago today. It came out of the blue. I’ve been at his beside for 4 weeks, supporting him through this illness, trying to figure out where and how this happened. We cancelled our May trip to Alaska and probably both of our RV trips this year too. The future isn’t known, but the odds are against him. He and I are so close. There is no one I can talk to the same way I can share with him. We’re in San Francisco at their big UCSF medical center and I’ve spent these weeks staying in hotels and vrbo’s, but no place is like home. And home doesn’t feel like home without Ron. So when I read today’s article, Max, I can see that I’m spending my evenings with a glass of wine, eating minimally, shedding tears, isolated. Normally I am out with my horses, sharing lunch with Ron, cooking every evening. So I guess I’d better take better care of myself right now. Thanks for the reminder. Pam K.
Oh, Pam! I’m sending you love and sturdiness and what comfort you can find. Of course you are shedding tears! (Personally I find a little bit of wine and a few tears to be a relief, and Future Me seems to cosign.)
But I do hope you can find people in SF or at the medical center to help you carry the load. Isolation makes the hard things harder.
Please let us know how you go. (And you can email me! max at maxdaniels dot com). xo
Pam, So sorry to hear about your husband’s illness. He is in great hands at UCSF. I know from personal experience as my illness is treated there with wonderful caring doctors and nurses. I wish your husband the best.
Oh Pam, that’s so tough. I’m sure you’re taking good care of both of you. Sending love.
Kay
In April of 1992 my 8 year old daughter was diagnosed with leukemia and she survived two years of chemotherapy, but I’ve never been the same. I am sending you all of my best wishes because it’s hell on earth
My heart goes out to you. Several years ago in similar circumstances, I went home every night to feed our animals, sit in my chair, sleep in our bed, just to get a little dose of normal each day. That said, we were only 28 miles from CPMC, and this may not be practical for you. But if it is, I’d encourage it at least every few days, Even though the house doesn’t feel right without both of you there, some time with the horses may be re-orienting for you.
Pam, I’m so sorry to hear this; I wish I could give you a hug. I’ll say a prayer for you and for him.
Two days ago I got my first tattoo- the words ‘Be Nice’ and a daisy (my favorite flower). It’s to help me when the world pisses me off (which is daily!) and something my grandmother would say, so it keeps her alive in me, and reminds me to rise above the crap!
This is HILARIOUS and I love it!
I fight every day to make sure I’m in the best shape I can be. I want to live long, and die fast. Daily workouts, plant based diet, spiritual enrichment. I want to enjoy every day.
I retired 2 yrs ago at 68 and started back into an exploration with weaving, my college major for a BFA in Textile Arts. But 6 mos later I went back to work per diem, only one day every other week. This has worked very well as a brain exercise since my work in medicine requires concentration and evaluation. Also I’m devoted to weight and core exercise classes, three days/week at my local Y. Hopefully both will serve me well for my next 20ish years, fingers crossed!
What a great reminder !
What a great reminder, Max, and what lovely and inspiring shares here! I’m almost 69, and those and similar thoughts are on my mind daily. I, too, work on staying fit and healthy, because I love my outdoor, homesteading life so much, I want more and more of it! If only it wouldn’t seem so really really hard to build back and keep those muscles!
I’m 46. I’ve been doing strength training and regular hikes (though that’s been impacted by the wildfires we suffered in January) for the last few years so I can stay as strong as possible as I age. I also try to push myself to try new things. My mom is 78 and has been suffering with dementia the last couple of years. I see how frightening new things are to her, and it makes me feel like I should keep them as a part of my life.
As you said, there are no guarantees about how long we get to be here. We lost my beloved brother-in-law to an accident two years ago. He was 39. I think of him all the time, and it reminds me to try and incorporate pleasure, joy, and connection in my life every day. A good thing to do whether I have 4 days or 4 decades ahead of me.
I made a promise to myself 7 years ago that I was not going to be that helpless old lady sitting in a chair. I started work out program with a middle aged (50) year old trainer. I weighed 200 lbs. Now I am 71, work out 6 days a week, am climbing Mt Hood and hiking and camping for 5 days in a row. I love it and so will you if you commit.
I haven’t saved enough for retirement. If self-care means guarding your future self, I would honestly start with saving as much for retirement as possible. I will probably find myself another part time job just to put more into savings. I’m 67 and though my mother lived until 92, I don’t expect to get that far. But what if I do? I don’t want to be 84 and living in my car.
It’s easy enough to say this, and I know that I didn’t because it was mostly me who was the breadwinner most of my life. But I could have saved more than I did, and I regret it now when I can’t do anything about it.
I’m the first to know that life can change in a millisecond and there is no going back. When I was working in the ICU, I would come home at night and count my blessings and now I’m in a position that I can’t change much to my dismay. I never thought I would envy anyone who could walk ❤️
I try to live as if my older self is one of my good friends. In the future what will she need me to be doing now?
And I realize that no one else can do the self care I need. No one can exercise for me or keep up friendships for me or even eat well for me. And these are absolutely necessary for happy, healthy senior years.
Thanks for your inspiration!
Oooh, are you learning the Korean language? I did that for a while. I’ve been watching K dramas for 10 year and yet still don’t speak it 🙂
I’ve been doing more balancing exercises since I know that falling is such a danger for older women.
One word: Procrastination. I struggle with this intensely, more so, much more so after my own mom died last summer, at 93. I’m using behavior modification as well as visualizing what my life would be like if I could get organized and stop putting things off.
I’ve been using “Future Me” as a motivating tool lately. Then I read Oliver Burkeman’s Meditations for Mortals, specifically the chapter on “Stop Being So Kind to Future You” about how, sometimes doing things for Future You, is an excuse to not engage with Present You. And while exercising, or eating right, benefits both “You’s”, why can we only be motivated to do it for Future You, when the only You you definitely have is Present You. Isn’t she worth it right now?
My promise to myself is to start making sure that I’m engaging with Present Me as much as I’m being kind to Future Me.
You are CORRECT! We really must do both. Good to keep in mind when dessert is served, eh?
Thank you for this, Jessica. I will continue to contemplate…
Timely and helpful, thank you ❤️
I am a 92 uear o;d woman who was taught to knit at age 4 by my Mother and her 2 sisters.
It has been a ;livelong passion and I have frawersful of shawls and sweaters eo prove it.
I love getting these articles and have signed up for classes but am limited by macular degeneration which prevents any complicated process. No complaints I have had a great run. I even owned a shop in Bellevue WA many years ago which was wonderful.
Keep writing and doing all the great things you both do. Happy Easte from CA.
It’s great to hear from you, Dolores! <3 <3 <3
I started tap class in the fall. It has beginners 10 years younger and 15 years older than me. Physical and mental exercise AND very fun. We have our Spring recital next Saturday!
Talking to my young adult children about the plans that my hb and I are making for our senior years and actually following through and MAKING THE PLANS. I don’t want them to have to deal with the chaos and crises that my parents left behind b/c of their failure to plan.
posture, posture. Keep at it girl.
Future me and me now are both scary. Just last week I finished chemo for breast cancer and radiation treatment starts on May 14th. I’m so out of shape it tires me to walk across the house. Yet, I signed up yesterday with a personal trainer who specializes in women in my age range, 66, . To help them get their lives back. My mom passed a couple years ago at 91, grandma lived to be 100. I’m not giving up, just not sure where to start. Thank you for this wonderful article.