Inspiration
Self-care: What’s True and What’s Also True
Have you noticed that affirmations don’t do much to change reality?
In my 20s, I had a low-paying and dirty hospital job–not my first and not my last. One good thing about it was I had a walking commute. I spent the whole way there and back again reciting affirmations in my head. Because I had no idea how young and hot I was, the affirmations were all about my weight.
Is that because I was young and foolish? Or because patriarchy? We may never know.
Anyway, I don’t remember the affirmation exactly, but I’m pretty sure it would’ve been something like “every day I’m getting thinner!”
Reader, I repeated that phrase hundreds and hundreds of times, and I did not get thinner. Definitely not every day, probably not even a handful of days. And now I know why.
It’s because we can’t make something true by lying to ourselves!
We can and do experience denial, but denial’s purpose is to shield us from a reality we’re not ready to absorb. Denial doesn’t work where we’re already conscious of the painful knowledge.
So it doesn’t matter how often you tell yourself the opposite of what you know to be so. A thousand lies do not make a truth.
What’s actually affirming.
Better to admit the truth first, which is invariably relaxing. (That’s often how we know something is true, even when it’s painful: it feels like a relief to let ourselves know it.) If we can follow that painful truth with a nicer truth, that is actually quite affirming.
Here are some examples of how we can face what’s true and what’s also true:
- I hate this dirty low-paying job…and having a short commute on foot gives me so much more free time.
- I’m so worried about Megan, and who wouldn’t be? And I don’t have to worry about Geoff, and that hasn’t always been the case.
- This loneliness is excruciating…and I’ve got at least five people who would call me back in the next hour to cheer me up.
Nothing’s all bad.
In the nervous system world, some would call this “pendulation.” You don’t dwell in the negative, and neither do you deny it. You acknowledge what’s painful with a light touch—OK, I see you!—and then you turn your attention to something that feels good.
If it feels good to talk to yourself like that, you can keep pendulating back and forth for a little while. And because you’re saying at least two true things, it really should feel good.
If it doesn’t, adjust your statement until it does feel good. We’ve talked about negativity bias before. It’s the brain’s focus on what’s wrong and what’s lacking. When it seems like nothing’s OK, we’re no more having a direct experience of reality than when we’re willfully pretending everything’s great.
Because that is the nature and structure of life: nothing is all bad. There is always at least a spark of goodness for each of us.
An additional resource:
Nowadays, when I use this kind of reminder practice, I do it while “tapping,” which is also known as “EFT.” I have found this technique to be a rapid and effective anxiety reducer, with or without the philosophical underpinnings. You can learn more here if you’re interested.
Image credit: Lighted Lantern and Branch of Cherry Blossoms, Utagawa Sadakage, Edo period, 1615-1868. Harvard Art Museums. Cropped.
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Really interesting, timely, and useful, given the current situation. We also need to band together and change what is starting to happen. Don’t give up!
As I sit here struggling to start the day, this snippet popped up … Thank you MDK and Max for the simple but powerful reminder that there is always something good to be thankful for.
Wow … I joined this site for knitting content and I get THIS?! A road map for dealing with the hard stuff. “Denial’s purpose is to shield us from a reality we’re not ready to absorb”. Stopped me in my tracks as I read that over and over. Time to reset and refocus.❤️
Thank you. Just….thank you
My daughter recently told me about Tapping but she didn’t mention how or why to do it. Thank you for the link Max!
Thank you for the nudge towards tapping. I’m looking forward to working with The Tapping Solution app to release some anger.
Wow Max,
Sometimes (often) you’re timing just hits the nail on the head (or the tapping spot on my forehead). Years ago, my dentist taught me tapping and it has been a blessing for me.
And this “Because that is the nature and structure of life: nothing is all bad. There is always at least a spark of goodness for each of us.” summarizes my plan for the year. My new year’s resolution this year was simply, “if you want to live in a Hallmark movie town, start acting like you live in a Hallmark movie town.” It’s all about finding the good. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying hello to the people you pass on the street. Sometimes it’s harder like trying to figure out if you need to be the helper or if you need to find the helper. It may sound PollyAnna-ish but it’s been a delight.
Rats. I sent without proofreading. Your timing! Not you’re.
I blame the phone!
I have severe depression, which has been greatly improved by therapy and medications. But since November 5 I have had a harder time coming up for air. Thank you so much, Max and MDK, for this encouraging reminder that I am not powerless! I will be rereading this Letter whenever I begin to forget that.
Too complicated
The only thing clear right now is that truth is not valued .
I don’t know how we can parlay that into something positive.
Me either. There are so many of us feeling this way.
Thank you for attributing the illustration at the top of your post. I thought it was a trap of some kind; which, I suppose, does have some relevance to the topic.
This “true and also true” has been saving my sanity.
I am so privileged to live in St. Paul, Minnesota, in a close-knit neighborhood where we check on each other, and have a monthly knitting group and book club (there’s also a beer club, I’m not a zythophile). St. Paul just wiped out the medical debt for 32,000 residents. Kids in MN eat breakfast and lunch free. I’m deeply involved with our libraries- they are fantastic, and people with big hearts and deep pockets alive are committed to sustaining them. Book banning is banned.
True, my Governor didn’t get elected Vice President. Also true, he remains Governor for (at least) two more years.
Thank you, Max. Thank you, MDK.
So timely, so soothing. Thank you.
I needed this today. Thank you.
Very, very timely and helpful. Thank you, Max.
Thank you.
I really appreciate the folks who are reaching out to lend comfort right now, and tools for coping.
“…we can’t make something true by lying to ourselves!” is my fav part of your piece. I want to put it on t-shirts, mugs and tattoos. <3